Dubiously Accurate UFC on Versus 1 Recap: Jon Jones Defeats Security Guard, Octagon and Brandon Vera; James Irvin Falls to Alessio Sakara, Cruel Hand of Fate

In a throwback performance that had many fans harkening back to the original tournament-driven days of the UFC, Jon Jones made short work of a security guard, a corner post of the Octagon itself and finally Brandon Vera to come out as the top winner at the inaugural UFC on Versus.

The security guard and Octagon were defeated with lone, devastating strikes, while Jones elected to use a crushing elbow from Vera’s guard to re-arrange the position of several portions of Vera’s skull, resulting in a near critical mass of “Truth” and “Bones” puns online.

“It really helped to get through those first two fights quickly and unharmed,” Jones said after the fight. “Honestly, I really felt like the corner post provided the stiffest test for me tonight, and I knew if I could get by that, I’d be alright.”

Asked how he judged his performance in the defeat, Vera said, “Ow.”

Other Notes

 - Rising heavyweight prospect Junior Dos Santos continued his ascension up the UFC’s rankings by delivering a thorough beating to a trained fighting gorilla. The gorilla, itself a former UFC Heavyweight Title contender, secured an early takedown before Dos Santos escaped and shut off the lights with a shot standing and some follow-up ground and pound.

 - With the event marking the UFC’s first appearance on the Versus network, the organization offered an exhibition to demonstrate the many fouls which can occur in a fight. Paul Buentello and Cheik Kongo showed off an array of violations, ranging from grabbing the fence or an opponents shorts, to kneeing a downed opponent in the head, all of which are illegal (depending on the “playing the game” status of the victim.)

After eleven minutes of intense study of the illegal side of MMA, Buentello concluded the educational efforts by demonstrating a successful tap out.

 - Alessio Sakara earned a somewhat confusing TKO victory after a left hook to the face of James Irvin landed so clean that it pushed Vaseline into Irvin’s eye. The loss capped off a rough night for Irvin, which also saw his van to the arena break down, the hotel dryer eat one of his socks, and his eggs be “alright, but kind of runny.”

Irvin refused to comment on speculation that his post-fight celebration of his UFC Fight 13 victory over Houston Alexander involved the destruction of a carnival funhouse.

 - John Howard offered a rude welcome to promotional debutante Daniel Roberts. Howard weathered an early submission storm before knocking Roberts out cold with one punch, forcing the referee to stop the fight just as soon as he finished sending a very important text to his buddy Pete.