Crayon History: A Guided, Illustrated, Mildly Stupid Tour of UFC 2

Welcome back to tournament number two of the Ultimate Fighting Championships. If you’re just joining us for the first time, you missed out (LINK) on a tall Dutchman abusing fat men, and a little Brazilian fellow choking the life out of a one-gloved boxer, a dude in a mankini and a fat-kicking Dutchman. For today’s tournament, things have been ramped right the hell up, with 16 men instead of 8, though you only get to watch 8 of the 15 fights anyways. Honestly, the early fights seem like they kind of sucked, and you can rest assured we’re in for clips of all the best preliminary assaults.

Leading the broadcast for UFC 2 is Brian Kilmeade, promoted from his position as post-fight interviewer, presumably because producers felt his performance really stuck out as the most superb at UFC 1, which is akin to being the member of a surgical team that was least drunk. Joining him is the somewhat-crazy Jim Brown, and the new grappling expert for the broadcast, Ben Perry. Gone from the booth are Bill Wallace, deemed too terrible at broadcasting, and Kathy Long, deemed too having a vagina.

The crew does a great job of continuing the sports drive to near-outlaw status by letting us know anything can happen tonight, including the loss of teeth, or eyes. The results of the first seven prelim fights are briefly given to us, and we learn, quite sadly, that Pat Smith’s victory has denied us of what would no doubt have been an epic battle between a Ninja and a Wizard.

Minoki Ichihara is featured before his prelim match and described as a real favorite in the event. Remember the name, folks, for he is likely to be around a long time in this tournament. Who’s he fighting? Oh, wait, nevermind.

Minoki Ichihara vs. Royce Gracie

Ichihara is going to be up against defending champion Royce Gracie, and things will not be ending well for him. Royce is a 4^th degree black belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, which roughly means he can choke you out with a mean though, I’m pretty sure. The fight starts and Royce takes Ichihara down almost immediately, passes to mount, and is showered with boos, because what the shit, why is nobody dying yet? Perry tells us Royce won’t be looking for any of that pussy arm lock shit, and that he is on him like a crab, which seems like a personal matter. Royce has Ichihara down in the worst part of the ring, right in front of “Rickson, Royler, Royce, Roller and the rhole Gracie clan.” No word on how he managed to be in his own corner. Royce secures Ichihara in a collar choke, which Perry promptly identifies as one of those bitch-ass arm locks, and that the arm is definitely broken. He then stares perplexed at the replay in which the arm is never even straightened out.

Preliminary Fight Recaps

Some brief highlights of the prelims are shown, the highlights of them being Perry failing in spectacular fashion to pronounce the name of a fighter’s discipline, but lying his way through it with aplomb, and the 6’5” David Levicki “losing the endurance contest” with Johnny Rhodes. Turns out Levicki runs right out of endurance just as soon as you smash him the face repeatedly with a bare fist.

Pictured: Poor Endurance

Orlando Weit is the last new highlight shown, as he commits third degree assault in and around the vicinity of Robert Lucarelli’s person, while Big John stands around and watches helplessly. The latter is because the rules actually don’t allow him to step in, as opposed to future performances by Steve Mazzagatti, in which standing around is done primarily because, dude, they’re all the way over there, and I’m just going to wait until the beating gets a little closer.

Finally we once again get to see Royce’s finish, during which Perry comments on his complete lack of any concept of what is happening with it, and then Kilmeade and Brown wax poetic about how important it is to have an expert like Perry, otherwise they would be clueless to the happenings on the ground. This is said non-ironically. It also ignores that Kilmeade was the “grappling expert” at UFC 1.

Pat Smith vs. Scott Morris

Smith and Morris is just another iteration in the classic rivalry between kickboxers, Smith, and Ninjas, Morris. Holy Christ! The fight quickly goes to the canvas with Smith in full mount, a situation he uses to rain down a ludicrous string of elbows which leave Morris bleeding and twitching on the floor.

“I don’t know if the fight was officially over there,” Perry says as a replay is shown of Smith leaving Morris’ body twitching on the ground, followed shortly by Morris’ soul doing likewise.

Johnny Rhodes vs. Fred Ettish

Rhodes defeated a 6’5” goliath in his preliminary fight, earning him a match-up with Ettish, an alternate filling in for the injured-in-victory Frank Hamaker, who looks like 14 year old wearing a fake mustache. This should end well. “I have absolute faith in my system of Kenpo,” Ettish says, a faith he will shortly come to learn is entirely misplaced. Ettish comes across the cage toward Rhodes looking very much like Kip from Napoleon Dynamite, and fighting very much like Kip from Napoleon Dynamite, as he attempts to karate chop Rhodes in the fist.

Ettish is down and butt scooting, with little chops at the legs, and Kilmeade asks how Ettish should get up to his feet. Definitely facing backwards, away from Rhodes, is the expert analysis. Rhodes gets tired of feet swatting at his ankles and hammers on Ettish, opening a cut, then knees him in the dome several times. He uses Ettish’s hair to set up getting an arm across the throat in an odd combination of side control and a guillotine, and Perry remarks that one arm is all you need for the choke. This would be the point I’d make fun of him for that comment were the chokee not Fred Ettish, who taps. The “impressive” label is summarily slapped on Rhodes performance, as he really did show he had the ability to beat up an adolescent.

Remco Pardoel vs. Orlando Weit

Perry informs us that Pardoel has no shot whatsoever at winning this fight, and gamblers across the country race to their bookies to lay all their money on the Dutch grappler. Remco, being the expert grappler that he is, pulls back-mounted. Through the magic of the early UFCs, this turns out to be a great play, as Weit just kind of holds onto his upper body, allowing Pardoel to move to back-side-mounted, where he lands a series of back elbows which put out Weit’s lights. “So, he is somewhat human,” the announcing team chimes in on Weit, which is a bold statement to make as he lies unconscious on the mat. After the fight, Pardoel explains that he too really expected that fight to end with his ass getting kicked.

Jason Delucia vs. Royce Gracie

More excellent hype work as it carefully explained just how uneven another fight on the card is. The ring announcer introduces Jason Deluca, then repeats Deluca again because one incorrect pronunciation is never enough. Royce is announced as the reigning “Ultimate Fighting Champion Champion,” and I suddenly feel bad for the prior joke, because I think he may have a wrong-word stutter disorder. Royce does what Royce does, which if you haven’t been paying attention, is drag the fight down, take the mount and submit the hell out of his opponent. Delucia taps standing, taps falling, taps lying down, and eventually the fight is stopped by Big John. Once again, Mazzagatti points to the screen and says, “See, fans, I DO ref exactly like the best ref in the business.”

Perry returns to his “broken” hyperbole during the replay, which is immediately followed by Kilmeade asking why he tapped to the hold.

Pat Smith vs. Johnny Rhodes

Smith comes to the ring as we are told that he will be making his way to the Octagon for the 2^nd time tonight, 3^rd in total. Neither of those numbers is correct. Once again it is clearly defined for us how boned one of the competitors is, this time Rhodes, as the fight begins. Smith is hailed for his advantage as a professional boxer, while Rhodes cascades his right hand off Smith’s face, relatively undefended, multiple times. The distance is closed, and Rhodes is caught in a deep standing guillotine, which he elects to tap out to with his foot, which isn’t the best decision, as nobody seems to realize it’s a tap for awhile. Ever the class act, Smith chalks his three wins up to “easy opponents,” and a shot of the ring girls actually makes the viewers at home miss Edith.

Royce Gracie vs. Remco Pardoel

The announcing booth seems moderately offended that Pardoel is still in the competition, though they won’t have to be for long most likely. Pardoel again elects to immediately give his back to his opponent, which seems less wise against a Gracie. Royce struggles to drag the larger man down, looking unfortunately akin to a dog humping a leg, before eventually getting the fight to his, and supposedly Pardoel’s, domain. He grabs Pardoel’s collar and looks for the collar choke, though Perry informs us that the choke is not in and Pardoel is fine. Pardoel taps, and so ends the reign of terror by ol’ captain confidence. Brown calls Perry’s analysis of the choke “his 1,000^th great observation tonight,” which, sadly, I am pretty sure was meant sincerely. The smaller man tapping the larger man, kind of old hat by now, honestly, is explained the Gracie axiom that it’s like being in a pool – a 250 lbs. man and a 145 lbs. man both weight the same if they’re in a pool. Gracie Jiu Jitsu: So bad ass, it just armlocked physics.

Prior to the final round of the tournament, UFC 1 competitor Ken Shamrock is interviewed. Modern fans watching the event may be confused by what they see, but I can assure there was, in fact, a time when Shamrock was affable and humble. Ken says Pardoel could be a real force in the future, once the black belt grappler “learns a little submissions.”

The learning curve of the grappling arts is discussed, and Perry states that it is really, kind of super easy to pick up, and that six months is more than enough time to learn it. With that in mind, everybody, look for me at the next ADCC, tapping the shit out of everybody in the absolute division. Hell, I’m pretty much cheating, as I already have experience losing in grappling matches to my blue belt best friend.

Pat Smith vs. Royce Gracie

Perry explains that Royce is more content to carry a slower pace than normal in this bout. When asked why, he states it is because it is the final bout, so he will not be using anything other than his normal strategy. Royce trips Smith down directly into half guard, and soon pops his leg free to mount, surprisingly enough. Smith taps, and eventually the towel is thrown in leading to a stop, and the exclamation that Smith will not like the stoppage. The announcing team is still in shock that Smith is not raising hell over the fight stopping, ignoring the replays where it shows he quite clearly tapped well before it ended. Royce is declared the UFC tournament winner for the second time in a row, and Perry marvels at how his jiu jitsu allows him to do it with no violence.

Royce, attempting to non-violently break an arm in two.

Breakout Performance: Ben Perry. I feel bad for the competitors as the award goes to a non-fighter for the second event in a row, but there is no clearer choice. As the resident jiu jitsu expert for the event, Perry knocks his performance out of the park by failing to offer any insight on any of the grappling that is going on throughout the night, and misrepresenting multiple Royce Gracie submissions. Truly one of those great moments in sports that, even as you watch it live, you know – this is the future of the sport.

Most Disappointing Performance: Ray the Wizard. Dude, you are a wizard, and you didn’t even manage to make the broadcast? How the hell does that even happen? Sure, Pat Smith was a moderately scary man and all, but wizards can shoot fucking fire balls. Fire balls.

The Tito Ortiz Let Me Tell You How You’re Feeling as One of the Greatest Announcers of the Night Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Broadcasting with Excellently: “Yeah, one of his quotes, yeah.” – Brian Kilmeade. After Perry tells of a joke by Royce that, after training with his brothers all his life, the tournament would be a breeze, Kilmeade uses his seat of power as the lead broadcaster to confirm that, indeed, those were words, and Royce said them. Yeah.

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This is just one in a series of pieces in which Just Blog Guy attempts to teach readers of the wonders of old school Mixed Martial Arts action in the UFC. To read the rest of the series, check out the Guided Tour Hub Page.