Crayon History: A Guided, Illustrated, Mildly Stupid Tour of UFC 2

Welcome back to tournament number two of the Ultimate Fighting Championships. If you’re just joining us for the first time, you missed out (LINK) on a tall Dutchman abusing fat men, and a little Brazilian fellow choking the life out of a one-gloved boxer, a dude in a mankini and a fat-kicking Dutchman. For today’s tournament, things have been ramped right the hell up, with 16 men instead of 8, though you only get to watch 8 of the 15 fights anyways. Honestly, the early fights seem like they kind of sucked, and you can rest assured we’re in for clips of all the best preliminary assaults.

Leading the broadcast for UFC 2 is Brian Kilmeade, promoted from his position as post-fight interviewer, presumably because producers felt his performance really stuck out as the most superb at UFC 1, which is akin to being the member of a surgical team that was least drunk. Joining him is the somewhat-crazy Jim Brown, and the new grappling expert for the broadcast, Ben Perry. Gone from the booth are Bill Wallace, deemed too terrible at broadcasting, and Kathy Long, deemed too having a vagina.

The crew does a great job of continuing the sports drive to near-outlaw status by letting us know anything can happen tonight, including the loss of teeth, or eyes. The results of the first seven prelim fights are briefly given to us, and we learn, quite sadly, that Pat Smith’s victory has denied us of what would no doubt have been an epic battle between a Ninja and a Wizard.

Crayon History: A Guided, Illustrated, Mildly Stupid Tour of UFC 1

We are live (well, were live) and in spectacularly 90’s television style. In addition to a Technicolor opening, we are treated to our noble warriors shadow-boxing, complete with motion-blurred hands. Also, a really fat guy in purple stretching, which we probably could have done without seeing.

Manning the broadcast boost for us today, we have Kathy Long, a five-time world kickboxing champion, Bill Wallace, a karate world champion, and Jim Brown, who was really good at carrying a football. Wallace manages to screw up the very first words to leave his mouth, and then calls it the Ultimate Fighting Challenge twice, a blow made more crushing when you realize the announcing team is outfitted to communicate with space, making it an error of galactic proportions.

Wallace takes this pre-fight time to question his co-hosts on if they would consider fighting themselves, reminding Brown that he always has the ability to “just climb over the ropes” if things got too rough, showing both a profound lack of understanding for how this whole cage-fighting thing works, as well as a staggering inability to look six feet in front of him. Seeing as this is the first time most of the viewers will be introduced to ground-fighting, otherwise known as “that queer shit where nobody’s punching nobody,” we are quickly informed that the man that controls the ground fighting will win, by showing “jiu jitsu at its best.” Rest assured this event was in no-way carefully crafted to show the superiority of Gracie Jiu Jitsu.

Now that we’re all good-and-learned on how this ground fighting business works, it’s time for the meat of things, the bracket, which has clearly been designed by the same guy that made school photo background’s in the 90’s.

On the bottom of the bracket, we can look forward to a match featuring Royce Gracie, whose name is pronounced “Hoyce.” At least, by everybody but Wallace it is. In his defense, Gracie is only the guy this entire event is focused around showcasing, so knowing his name shouldn’t be a must as a broadcaster. Up against Gracie will be Art Jimmerson, the IBF’s #10 ranked boxer. With those credentials, big things are sure to come from Jimmerson, and there is certainly no chance at all he will do something that goes down in MMA infamy. You can take that to the bank.